|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 6, 2009 19:03:33 GMT -5
Christopher sighed as he held her in his arms. "Trying.." he muttered. "Why can't I be strong enough to do this?" he asked though he knew he wouldn't get an answer. Answers seemed to avoid the two like the black plague. "Why does it have to be so hard? Why do we try so hard to pull apart for some reason? Why are we so scared? Why are we so destructive?" He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Nicole's forehead. What did they mean to each other?
Christopher's mind flashed back to all the events that drew them together and ripped them apart all at the same time. The fight, the fire, the earthquake, the stairs, the overdose. He couldn't pull away but it felt all wrong inside him. He squirmed a bit but relaxed within a few moments.
"What do /you/ want to do?" he asked, he needed her advice. What did she think? It was easy to read her but hard to find any sort of conclusions. He scoffed. "Nicole.. You're just so..." he racked his brain for the right word. "Intoxicating.." he concluded, smirking weakly feeling powerless. He leaned his head back and bit his lip thoughtfully. "Screw all this.." he muttered bitterly.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 0:24:57 GMT -5
Nicole sniffled one last time and wiped the tears off her face. She didn't like crying and she didn't like crying in front of him especially him. She didn't know what she wanted and that was the problem with the two. Nicole didn't know what she wanted because she wasn't sure what Christopher wanted. He made her work and she wasn't used to that.
"I don't know it's whatever you want. I never know what I want Christopher you and I both know that," she admitted with a sigh. The kiss on her forehead sent a wave of chills through her body and she shivered for a moment until it wore off. She wasn't sure if he meant "intoxicating" as a compliment or an insult and that frightened her.
This always seemed to happen between the two. They would find themselves getting closer to only push the other one away and yet they couldn't figure out the reason for why they did it. Things shouldn't be that way. "Do you /really/ want to know what happened three nights ago," she asked in a small whisper. She felt he deserved to know that much.
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 7, 2009 3:08:44 GMT -5
Christopher's eyes widened in fear at Nicole's question. Did he want to know? Did he want to know something that could push him towards more suicide attempts? Towards something that would end him up like Nicole and her recklessness, which was endind both of them nowhere. "I don't know.." His voice shook with fear and his throat felt dry. He wiped away several tears that were running down her cheeks. "Do I?" he asked.
"Ugh, what's with all these questions? Yes Nicole, I want to know but I'm scared to know. Just like I want you but I'm scared to have you. Just like I want to end everything but I'm scared to. I'm..." he hestitated and the words that rested on his bitter tongue, "I'm a coward.." He winced. "I feel like I'm its very epitome right now.."
His lips grazed her jawbone lightly. He clenched his teeth. He wanted to scream at her. Throw her against the wall, tell her he hated her. Tell her he never wanted to touch her again, he never wanted to think of her agian, he never wanted to see her again. But if he did that he could never live with himself. He wanted to just walk away but he was so scared for her reaction. She was so self destructive.
"Nicole, I'm still trying. I won't stop. You know I won't. You know what I want, you know what I think is best, you know I'm scared," he mumbled, in almost a begging tone, "Please whatever happens don't hurt yourself more than you already have. Be smart. Be strong. No matter what happens. Promise me that," he grabbed her wrists and held them tightly, "Before you tell me anything about what happened promise me that," He shook her slightly staring right into her. "Swear it.." he begged again.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 3:26:03 GMT -5
She bit down on her bottom lip in order to stop the tears from falling. Honestly she wanted to make him happy and she wanted to promise him. She shook her head, she couldn't do that and know that there was a possibility that it might not be true. She whimpered as he held onto her wrists, Nicoe felt like she was losing circulation to her hands.
She sighed. "So I got picked up you know for the party at the penthouse. And since it was at the penthouse you know no one decided to stay sober, we all planned to just crash there wherever we passed out. So we were drinking and then someone brought out the cocaine and I did like three lines I think," she paused trying to remember. She couldn't look at him and she turned her head.
"Somehow you got brought up and all the pain we both caused to each other. And you know it started off as a joke and then it actually got serious. I got upset and told them I could find something that made me hurt worse then you. And well you can pretty much guess the rest," she closed her eyes the tears threatened to come out, she didn't want them to nor did she want to see Christopher's face.
Nicole didn't want to believe that it was her fault he didn't want her. She always tried to blame it on him. She tried to blame him for many things and laying here with him she realized how wrong she had been.
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 7, 2009 3:58:40 GMT -5
Christopher hissed and let go of Nicole's hands abruptly and pulled at his hair. He swung is legs over the side of the hospital bed and sat up. His breathing offset by what she had said, he clutched his chest sorrowfully. "Nothing hurts you more than.. M-me?" He realized he sounded like a child when he said that and grew bitter. "I.. I.. I don't mean it.. How do I stop?" he panted, "Please, just tell me how to stop." A lump formed in his throat, and his eyes itched from threatening sorrow but he pushed it all away.
Everything was nothing and nothing was everything it seemed. Everything was upside down and backwards and Christopher needed to breathe. "I'm going outside for some air." He pulled Nicole out of bed a bit forcefully and threw a jacket to her. "It's chilly out tonight.." He applied pressure to his temples, he was getting a headache from the pure overwhelmingness of it all. Secretly he slipped a bottle of pain killers into his pocket. You have a headache. You need pain killers. He reassured himself. Justifying his action.
"If you're coming you'll have to hurry, as soon as you pull that IV out all those nurses will come running," He opened the door and took a step forward. "Nicole, before we go, you /have/ to tell me how I stop hurting you. Now. Don't say I don't know, don't say it's not important, don't make up any excuse. Just tell me. I'm sick of these games. I'm sick of this stupidity. I'm sick of me, I'm sick of you."
Christopher cared so much for Nicole it was deadly for him but he had grown tired and wary. The block of bitterness that layed within him seemed to be slowly but surely growing. But emotionally hurting Nicole always meant /physically/ hurting Nicole. At least for him anyway. "And Nicole, I can't believe you would do that. I'm dissapointed in you and I pity you. You can't go off like that all the time, you need to own up and gain some more respect for yourself. I love you but it's.." he stopped at the words he had said and shut his mouth. Waiting for her advice to help him stop/
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 4:11:15 GMT -5
She was thankful that she didn't have a hospital gown on. Just a pair of blue terry cloth shorts and a white tank top. She was sure that these were her own clothes but she had no idea how she had got them on. Or when she had last worn either of these clothing items. She didn't want to put on the jacket and she simply waved it off.
"Christopher I wasn't even in my right mind, nothing made sense that night. I was dumb I was stupid its always been my fault not yours," she sighed. She wasn't ready to make her escape from the hospital just yet. She let her head rest on the metal bar along side the bed. Nicole held out her hand as she watched him sneak the pain killers into his pockets. "Do you really feel like having your stomach pumped again in the same day," she sighed.
She was to tired for all of this. For a moment she closed her eyes in order to avoid watching the room around her spin. She hated this couldn't stand this. Nicole ran a hand through her hair and winced for a moment as her nails dug into her scalp. The wince faded away the moment she got used to it and she let out a long sigh.
"I need you to tell me how you feel about me. About us. I need you to explain your whole I want you but I can't have you. I need you to help me with this. With me. I need you to give me a chance," she understood why he wanted to go outside the small room kept them to close. She felt as if she was sweating and she stood up.
She was suprised that he couldn't believe that. She went to rip the IV out of her arm but his words stopped her. "What did you just say," she asked in barely a whisper.
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 7, 2009 4:33:49 GMT -5
Christoper sighed fumbling with the door knob. "You never answer any of my questions.. You never show youneven care either.." he closed the door and pressed his forehead against it. "All you do is push, shove, get wasted and try and kill yourself. And I'm stuck with all the aftermath, can you blame me for these?" he shook the painkillers in her face with a hard glare. "Don't tell me how to live my life when you're the one that can't even remember a couple nights ago because you were so wasted!"
Christopher gasped for breath. The overdose had hurt his lungs somehow. He remembered reading it was a common symptom so he wasn't too worried. It just made it harder for him to yell. He listened to Nicole's questions and demands and thought, biting hard on his lip until he thought he tasted blood but it was a false alarm.
"Us, Nicole? Us? There is no /us/ there never wasn an /us/!! I can't have you because you won't let me. Or at least you don't ever show it! I've given you all the time in the world Nicole. I'm always there! Always! I'm here now! I didn't sleep those whole two days because I was worried sick about you, and just sat there in that chair praying you would be okay! You are tearing me to shreds and it seems like in the end you just take me for granted! /I/ hurt /you/ more than anything? Nicole I could get my stupid stomach pumped a thousand times and it'd be nothing compared to what you do to me /every/ /single/ /day/!!!"
Christopher just stood still gasping for breath staring at Nicole waiting for either tears or a rebuttle. Either way it wasn't what he wanted. His lungs felt like they were on fire and his eyes were watering from yelling but he didn't move. He just winced.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 4:44:24 GMT -5
Nicole wasn't sure what to say back to Christopher. A moment ago she had thought he had said he loved her but then his outburst had made her unsure if he had actually said that. She didn't dare ask about it again for fear of another outburst.
She couldn't believe that she had done this to him and now she knew why he had tried to push her out of his life. It wasn't better for just him in his mind it was better for both of them. She knew and she understood. Things had started to click. Her breathing quickened as she felt as if the room was closing in on her. She wanted out but didn't know how to get out.
It was like a wave pulling you under. The harder you fought the harder it hurt you just had to stop and let it take its course and in the end you'd come up alive with less pain then you ever realized. She could see the pain in his face and it brought more pain then before.
Nicole wanted to turn time back she wished her habits were all gone. Slowly she stood up and looked down at the IV in her arm. She remembered that Christopher wanted to go outside and she picked up the jacket though she didn't want to wear it. She did it for Christopher's sake.
Quickly she pulled it out and her legs carried her toward Christopher. "Let's go please," she begged him grabbing onto his arm
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 7, 2009 5:05:01 GMT -5
Christopher panted as Nicole more dragged him down the hall. He still hadn't caught his breath from his yelling spree and now they were running down the stairs as fast as they could, trying to escape the hospital if you will. Nicole had the worst timing ever. Christopher told himself that it was an undeniable fact. They had to be only on the third or fourth floor of the hospital because it didn't take much time to reach the lobby. It was pretty empty, which was understandable since it was probably pretty late. Christopher ran towards the sliding doors and nearly ran into them had they not opened automatically just in the nick of time. He breathed in the crisp night air deeply, his hands on his knees. He looked at Nicole from the corner of his eye.
"That was sudden," he breathed softly. The running mixed with the air calmed him down greatly and he felt as if he could finally sleep soundly. He sat down on the grass and put his head in his hands. "I'm sorry for yelling," he said finally, "But I'm not sorry for what I said." That probably wasn't what Nicole wanted to hear but it was the truth. Hopefully his blunt words had taken off the blindfold she seemed to be wearing and helped her understand what he felt. He doubted it though.
He pulled out the bottle and fiddled with it nervously. Having them with him made him feel maybe calmer? And it scared him. All the stress had caused him to rely on them a lot even though he was now realizing it had been a bad decision. He grunted angrily as he chucked the bottle as far as he could. He felt horrible to know that when he did so, he felt panic. "I relied on them to calm me down during everything," he explained, "I'm getting.. addicted," he spat the word like it was acid. He never liked the idea of polluting the body in anyway. It just wasn't appeasing to him.
It was awkward for him now and he felt annoyed that Nicole had chosen then to pull him outside, that she had calmed him down. He felt like he was better off yelling at her until his lungs were black, at least he felt like there was a point to it. Well, he knew there was a point to it. He just needed to say something. He needed to loosen the pressure that had been building up inside him. "What now?" he asked quietly.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 5:15:52 GMT -5
On the grss by Christopher she laid down and placed her head on his legs. She was thankful that she had brought the jacket but she hadn't used it yet. Actually she was quite cold, shorts and a tank top was all she had on not even shoes. She wasn't quite sure why then felt like a right time to run out of the hospital.
A smile appeared as she watched him throw the bottle. She knew what it felt like to be addicted. To not know hot to function correctly without some. She needed help and soon. Though she was to stubborn to ask for it. For a moment she thought what a waste but she quickly shook that thought off. Not now.
She shivered and attempted to press herself closer to him. She wasn't sure what was left for the two. The cold air stung in a good way that she wouldn't be able to describe if her life depended on it. Nicole didn't know what he wanted or expected from her. It was all to much.
Her head flooded with all the memories the two shared and right then she knew she could never have him out of her life completely it would be to hard. "Christopher I'm being honest I really don't know," she sighed knowing that wasn't the answer he'd want from him. And she hoped he wouldn't have another outburst and yell at her.
"Christopher you know I love you," she finally admitted to him and herself. She rolled over onto her back so she could look up at him and read his expression.
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 7, 2009 5:39:49 GMT -5
Christopher felt nothing as Nicole rested her head on his legs. It was monotonous and it made him feel heartless. He was beginning to feel like he didn't have a heart anymore all this damage he had taken. All the things Nicole had stolen from him that he felt he would probably never get back. His thoughts wandered to David. What would David think if he saw him right now? He had always been very jealous of Christopher and had always had a lust for Nicole. Thinking of that made Christopher angry, if he ever saw his brother again. Oh the things he would do... He clenched his fists at all the possibilities but decided now wasn't the time to think of those things. He pushed the thoughts of David away. David wasn't important right now. Nicole was. Nicole was always most important to him even if he never wanted to admit it.
Christopher didn't pay much attention to Nicole's words, they were just more questions and useless. Her voice seemed muffled and slurred until the last sentence. 'Christopher you know I love you,' He froze. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he couldn't respond period. A milllion choices suddenly popped up infront of him but they all broke off fromt he two simplest ones. Yes, or no.
The unknown scared Christopher incredibly especially when it came to Nicole. His hands twitched for the pills and he jumped slightly at the urge to run and find them but stopped himself. He started shaking, a nervous habit of his and he looked at Nicole with an expression that appeared to be a mixture of pain, relief, love, and sorrow all mixed in one. "Nicole," he breathed shyly, deciding whether to turn away or look her in the eyes. He looked away. The coward.
"I love you more than I can admit to myself. I.. I... I'd die for you." He felt like curling up and hiding. He didn't like the feeling of putting himself out there like that. And even if she had admitted the same thing before him he was still afraid that something would go wrong. Christopher simply couldn't belive in convienence. Especially with his life.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 14:01:30 GMT -5
Nicole was frustrated that he looked away. That was all that he had been doing that day looking away when she wanted him to look at her. Of course he could never do what she wanted. That wasn't how things worked with them. Slowly she sat up and brought her knees to her chest and she wrapped her arms around them and placed her chin on top of her knees.
She looked out at the street and the car that whized by seem to bring sort of a calmness to her and she continued to stare out at them. Nicole had already known that he would die for her, he'd shown that a few times already. She didn't like the face he'd risk his lofe for her pathetic life. Christopher had so much going for him while she had a future of rehab most likely.
Painfully she took a small glance over at Christopher, it was short and she quickly brought her face back to the cars. She felt as if her heart was going to be torn into pieces and she wasn't going to be able to pick them all up. Forever there would be something missing, something she had but had lost. She'd been selfish and careless. Christopher was the only thing that seemed to matter anymore. She was cold but didn't feel it or notice that she was shivering.
"Christopher," she breathed. She wasn't sure what else there was to say. Both of them had laid their heart on the line. She loved him and he loved her and yet things still didn't feel right. This wasn't quite what she had expected. "I'm sorry for everything I've done. All the pain I've caused you," she said in a whisper. She was to frightened to say the words louder.
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 7, 2009 21:19:09 GMT -5
Christopher turned to Nicole and placed an arm around her rubbing her shoulder tenderly. He couldn't understand any of it. Why did it feel like this? Why was it so wrong to love her? It never felt right unless he had to reach for her and it made him angry. Who ever had chosen the roles they would lead in each other's lives was cruel and bored. "This is so weird.." he said in almost an amused way. Smiling reassuringly at her.
"Let's face it Nicole, it'll always be like this. We don't know why and we both hate it but it's a fact. It only feels right when we're fighting for each other. When we're saving each other. But when it's over it's just not the same.." Christopher's brow furrowed, it was difficult to explain the obvious. He hoped she understood, she hoped she felt it too.
"Pushing each other away took something, but if we hadn't done it, I don't think we would understand each other as well as we do now.. I don't know what to fill the gap with..." He trailed off. He might aswell tie his tongue in a knot. He knew there was something missing, he didn't know what. It just didn't click like he had fantasized about. He felt that even if he'd be horribly jealous, protective, and obnoxious about it Nicole should go find other guys. Guys she would 'click' with.
"Nicole?" he stuttered slightly lowering his voice. He brought himself closer to her, close enough so that his breath more than likely tickled her neck. He knew the question he was going to ask was probably incredibly stupid but being the gentleman he was he'd ask anway. "May I kiss you?" He tensed with the fear of rejection. A common phobia of his.
|
|
|
Post by Nicole Marie Anderson on Aug 7, 2009 21:45:34 GMT -5
She leaned into him as he rubbed her shoulder. This felt right, her being close to him felt right. Well for a moment it did anyways and then Christopher had to speak and reality sunk in and she saw that it was next to impossible for them to ever be. She couldn't stand this. Why couldn't they of just stayed friends that worked this however did not.
"Why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't things just ever be right between us? If we both want the same thing then how come we can't ever have it? Why are we so scared of this? We haven't bothered to even get it a chance, why?" she asked her questions but didn't expect an answer from him about them.
They both knew that there wasn't ever going to be a good enough answer to her questions. She inhaled deeply and held it in until she felt as if she couldn't breath and slowly she let it out. Again she was trying no to cry no matter what she had to do to stop herself. Nicole hated crying in front of him, she didn't want him to feel guility for anything.
Slowly Nicole picked up her head and turned toward him. For a moment she stared at his face. Even like this it was lovely and she wished it held a smile. She'd do anything for him even if it meant letting go. She now saw that. "Yes," she breathed closing her eyes.
|
|
|
Post by Christopher Valentino DeMarr on Aug 8, 2009 4:11:12 GMT -5
Christopher shrugged his shoulders solemnly and sighed, "I ask myself the same questions every day." He twirled his fingers in her hair and closed his eyes as well while he slowly placed his hand on the back of her neck pressing his lips to hers gently. His head was spinning and he kissed her more vigorously before softly pulling away and hugging her tightly.
"You know.. No matter what Nicole, I'll /always/ be there for you. /Always/" He meant every single word of it. Even if they ended up hating each other he would be there for her if she ever needed it. True to his word, true to his friends.
"Don't know where this is going but it's worth a try right?" He should just stop talking. When he got nervous around girls he either couldn't speak or couldn't stop speaking, nervous habit once again. He forgot his nervousness and smiled when he looked back at Nicole. He felt a warmth. A hope. As though whatever they had lost was finding it's way back. Not quite yet there, but close.
"I'll just stop talking.." he blushed sheepishly. There were no words to explain it anymore. He felt like he'd passed through the storm or atleast he was passing through it's eye and there was a moment of calm serenity and just a rightness about it. He smiled even warmer.
|
|