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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 25, 2009 0:19:12 GMT -5
The past four months had been difficult for Lindsey. She was gaining weight, she was sick all the time and she hadnt been able to even look at Julian because she knew how this was going to change things between them and she didnt want him to know that she was a slut that everyone had been so right about her. The time had passed by faster then she thought it would. She was still having a hard time dealing with the emotional toll that this had on her, she was going to wait. Jackson had been her first and it wasnt suppose to be him, it was suppose to be Julian.
That night wasnt like she had always pictured it, she always thought that it was easy and fun. She didnt think that maybe she wasnt ready. Maybe she should really wait, it had basically just been a party hook up, she was just another girl who had made a mistake when she was weak and she felt like in a way, he had violated her. She hadnt said no but she was drunk, she wouldnt do that if she had been thinking clearly. She wanted to tell Julian but the only idea that she had was breaking up so thats what she was going to do.
She pulled herself out from under her safe, comfy covers and grabbed her phone, sending a message to Julian that read, 'Come over right away, I need you now.' She didnt say anything else, no I love you or I've missed you because she hadnt seen him in awhile, she had convinced her mom to pull her out of school and home school her for the rest of the year. She couldnt deal with people, she didnt even care that her hair was a mess and her makeup was smudged or that she was only wearing a bra and a pair of white shorts. He would see the little bump on her belly when she stood up.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 25, 2009 23:18:17 GMT -5
Julian was sleeping in his bed of his mother's small two bedroom house. The phone beeped- a text message. He read it and smiled- thinking he knew what she meant. He was in for a surprise. A big one. He pulled the covers off of him and slipped on a white shirt and black sweat pants. He walked out of his room and into the living room- where his mother was watching TV. He told her he'd be back later and she locked the door after he walked out.
He got into his 2000 black gallant sitting in the driveway. Yes- it was an old car, but Julian wasn't what anyone considered rich. He felt lucky to have a girl like Lindsey- even if people said stuff about her. People talked about Julian, too- What difference did it make? He knew he wasn't doing her wrong- and if he did- she would never find out about it, anyways.
He backed out of the driveway and made his way to Lindsey's house. He parked in the street- turned off the ignition and got out of the car. He walked slowly up to Lindsey's front door- expecting her parents to answer the door. He knocked three times and waited patiently outside, shoving his keys and phone into his pockets.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 25, 2009 23:41:56 GMT -5
The knocking at the door had scared Lindsey at first but she was soon on her feet, racing to the door. She didnt even bother to put her shirt on because of the fact that he would not notice the small amont of weight gain that had happened during this time. She opened the door wide and hopped into his arms. Surprised that she had missed him so much.
She looked him straight in the eyes and with a shaking tone, she managed, "Its cold so lets head up to my room and we can talk up there, dont worry. All I want to do is talk." She still had the ring on her finger because she didnt want the questions.
Her parents werent home which was why, she had invited him over today. They were gone for the night, figuring that she couldnt get in anymore trouble then she already had. They didnt know that Julian had nothing to do with this though so her parents banned him.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 26, 2009 0:44:23 GMT -5
She opened the door and he saw her- shirtless. His eyebrows raised, but before he saw the bump she was in his arms. He squeezed her tightly and noticed a small bit of weight gain. He kissed the side of her cheek as they hugged, but let go when she did.
His brow furrowed as he heard her say 'all I want to do is talk.' She said she needed him- she answered the door in a bra- she jumped on him when he saw her- and lastly, her parents aren't home. Whhhaat?- Julian thought. He followed her to her room, looking at her shorts the whole time. He didn't believe her about the talking thing- and there was a reason.
"What's wrong?" He decided to ask, grabbing her waist with both of his hands from behind. He wasn't about to say anything about her weight- that's why women kill their husbands, sometimes..
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 26, 2009 11:53:51 GMT -5
Lindsey wanted to keep hugging him. She wanted to hold onto his touch for as long as possible because once she told him, he was going to be out. She quickly raced up the stairs and into her surprisingly clean bedroom, the only mess was her bed which was unmade.
She knew exactly what to say but her eyes darted towards the laptop, she closed it quickly and pulled a picture into her pocket, he didn't need to know about the baby, she could just lie and say that things weren't working out.
When she felt his hands, she was shocked, "Nothing is wrong, I just really think that we need to talk. I mean your sweet and perfect in every single way. Words cant describe how I feel about you but I think that we should stop seeing each other. I'm sorry." She didn't say anything else, she closed her eyes to stop the tears, she didn't want to cry until she was alone. She figured that he would leave the second that she finished.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 26, 2009 15:50:56 GMT -5
He noticed how she made an attempt to quickly shut her laptop- then he listened to her words. He slowly let go of her waist and his hands dropped to his sides as his eyebrows curved in confusement. "Why?" Were the only words that could come out. He watched her as she closed her eyes and it pained him, too- "What did I do?" He asked.
Everything he'd ever done wrong to her shot through his mind all at once- he closed his eyes and opened them, again, a little slower than a blink. There were so many things she could be talking about- but he didn't know what it could be.
He stood there- stupidly- in the middle of her room. He began to get angry. She had told him she wanted to talk- he thought she wanted to mess around when really she wanted to break up. "You could've told me before I wasted my gas to come over here-" He blurted out. He couldn't help it- it just came out.
He knew there had to be something else- any time he'd ever brought up the word 'break up' she would freak. She would never leave him- or that's what he thought. And it wasn't like Lindsey to gain weight. It wasn't like her to listen to what her parents told her, either- he remembered one week they had grounded her- they both snuck out just to see each other. Why would they ban him from her, now? Sure- they argued a lot, but it wasn't /that/ bad.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 26, 2009 16:10:01 GMT -5
Lindsey bite her lip as she whispered, "I'm sorry. Its not you, its me. That sounds wrong but its really me. You didn't do anything, you wouldn't do anything to hurt me but I did something that could hurt you and I'm sorry." She touched his hand gently with hers. Not wanting to let him go, she wanted him to fight this break up thing. She wanted to tell him.
Then he said that last little statement and her head looked to him, "Oh, I'm sorry that I don't break up in text messages. Don't worry I wont call you over anymore, you only came over because you wanted to mess around." She shouldn't be getting mad but she was, she no longer felt any reason to tell him the reason behind the break up.
Before, she hadn't wanted to break up. He would say anything about that and she would get all worried. She would beg him not to leave, she would tell him that someday when she was ready, they would be together and now she had broken that and her promise when she had been with Jackson. She reached for a framed picture of the two of them at the beach and she placed it down so nobody could see the picture.
She put her hand on her head and sighed deeply, she was easily tired these days. She sat down on her bed and a deep sigh escaped her lips. She had her head in her hands. "Don't act like you care, all you ever wanted was for me to sleep with you. I thought you loved me." She kept one hand on her forehead and put another over her stomach.
She soon realized how weak she looked and stood quickly, unexpecting the dizziness that came. She raced into her connected bathroom and shut the door quietly behind her, turning the sink on so he didn't hear her, throwing up everything she had ate which was basically some crackers. She tried not to eat much in hopes that she wouldn't gain a pound. She cleaned herself before leaving the bathroom and returning to her spot on the bed.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 28, 2009 2:14:03 GMT -5
Julian's eyes squinted at her in disbelief- "You can't be serious.. You're going to use that line on me?" He asked her, angrily. "What did I do, Lindsey?!" He asked, almost yelling. He really wanted to know- he wanted to know what he did to hurt her- Then, he heard what she'd said. "What did you do?" He asked her, a little quieter. His face showed his pain- even though he didn't want her to see it.
He shook his head- listening to her- "No- I didn't mean that- I'm just mad- just come on, Linds.. You don't want to do this. I'm not only here to sleep with you.." He told her. And he really wasn't. He did love her. And he also loved sleeping with her. Who wouldn't?
He watched her lay down on the bed and he walked over to her. She looked tired- and fat, but he wasn't going to say anything. He leaned over here, grabbing her hand away from her face, "Baby- You know I love you- why are you doin' this?" He told her, softly, looking into her eyes. He just couldn't accept this. He wanted a real reason- he didn't even want this situation to be happening.
He got out of her way as she quickly stood up- he didn't know why she had done that- He watched her race into the bathroom and was going to follow her- they'd been in that bathroom shower together so many times- but he heard the sink running. He knocked on the door, "Lindsey.." He began to say- She returned from the bathroom and laid back on the bed and he stood next to the bathroom door- smelling the vomit stench come from the room. He began to put the pieces together, slowly as he stood- silent and staring at her stomach.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 28, 2009 2:24:06 GMT -5
His yelling was like kicking Lindsey down when she was already weak. She let a sigh escape her mouth before she whispered, "I'm sorry. I just dont want to do this anymore. I cant do this anymore." She laid her head on her pillow and tried to rest her eyes.
She didnt care if he saw her at her weakest moment. She didnt care if he yelled at her, she could cry later, she was just trying to stay calm, stay awake and mostly she was trying to keep him from finding out.
When she opened her eyes, she saw him looking at her stomach, "What?" She asked carefully, scared that he might know. She closed her eyes again and wished somewhat that she had him to cuddle up to, part of her wished that he was the dad so he would comfort her because she knew that now he was only going to judge her.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 28, 2009 2:29:14 GMT -5
Julian shook his head at her, "You're lying to me. I can tell when you're lying- you know that.." He muttered to her. He walked closer to her and noticed how tired she was. "Why can't you even tell me what I did?" He asked, trying to keep his voice lower.
He stared at her stomach, still. "Lindsey- tell me the truth." He had the idea in his head, but didn't want to say it. He didn't want to believe it. He wanted her to admit it- if it was even true. He looked up from her stomach and into her eyes- his eyes looked angry, but still had a hint of sadness in them.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 28, 2009 2:36:24 GMT -5
Lindsey knew that he could tell when she lied, "I'm sorry, I just want you to know that I love you and that I didnt mean to hurt you. You didnt do anything, I'm sorry."
She breathed deeply before whispering, "I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please dont get hurt, yell at me, scream whatever it takes." She was scared, she grabbed her blanket and covered up quickly before she sat up. Tears filled her eyes, she was tired, she was scared and she was feeling her heart break slowly.
It was like, she was watching this on tv, she never thought it would be her doing this, being this scared. She never let Julian see her when she was this weak, when she had a slight cold, she banished him from seeing her. She didnt like showing weakness like this, when she couldnt defend herself.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 28, 2009 2:41:51 GMT -5
He shook his head, again- "No.." He told her- he didn't want her to break up with him. He /HATED/ begging- but he felt like he wanted to. He wanted to get on his knees, kiss her rings, whatever it took- but he would never bring himself to do something like that. "What did you do?" He asked her, again.
But as soon as he asked the question- it answered itself. He was speechless- he knew it, but his eyebrows raised in awe, anyways. "Is it mine?" He whispered to her- he couldn't yell- his body wouldn't let him.
He stood in her room- motionless- waiting for her answer. It was the longest moment of his life. His entire life. He didn't want it to be his- but then he did- because he loved and wanted Lindsey forever- but if it wasn't his- it would mean she cheated.. Either way he was screwed.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 28, 2009 2:46:52 GMT -5
His next question had been what she had been so carefully avoiding, Lindsey looked down as she spoke, "No its Jackson's. He doesnt want it though so you dont have to worry about that. He doesnt believe that its his."
She decided to explain, "It was that party that you didnt go to, I was upset so I was drinking like crazy and Jackson was drinking too and then the next thing, I knew, he was laying next to me and I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life because I realized that I dont want to lose you."
She really didnt, she cared about him. She wanted him. She needed him, now more then ever but she couldnt ask him to stay. She couldnt guilt him into staying with her, she couldnt let him stay because he felt like he had to. She was okay doing this alone.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 28, 2009 2:56:52 GMT -5
When he heard Jackson's name his heart dropped. He hated it, he never wanted her to see him like this, but she did. Tears filled his eyes, buldging out of the rims, but not flowing. He wouldn't blink because he knew they would drop down his face- so he turned around, not facing her.
He put his hand over his eyes and bridge of his nose as she explained. He was wiping away the wetness that expelled over his eyes as he turned around. Once the tears stopped flowing, he shook his head. "You're such a liar, Lindsey." was all he could say. "You don't give a shit about loosing me- or you wouldn't of done it."
He thought about walking out of the door. He thought about staying- he didn't know what he would do. They needed to talk about this. There was no way Julian could be intimate with her, again- at least not for a long time, but why would he stay at all? He never had to talk to her again, if he didn't want to. But it wasn't that easy.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 28, 2009 3:04:00 GMT -5
Lindsey looked down, she didnt want to see him like this. It proved that he couldnt be the strong one. She wanted to believe that he could always be the one to comfort her even when she didnt deserve comforting. She wanted him to forgive her but she also wanted him to yell, to get mad.
Her heart broke when she heard his last words, "I wasnt thinking. I didnt plan on it, I didnt plan on this happening. I'm sorry. I love you but I know that we arent going to be able to be anymore then nothing. I know that you dont want to talk but I think we need to."
She wouldnt be mad if he walked out, she wouldnt race after him and beg him to stay. No. She wanted him to be happy and if his happiness was at the cost of her own then she was willing on letting it happen. She didnt want to admit that she needed him right now. She laid back down and closed her eyes, it was the only way that she knew of to stop the tears. She took a cracker from the package on her nightstand and nibbled on it, wanting to calm her stomach but she knew that this time, it wasnt that she felt sick because of the baby.
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