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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 29, 2009 14:20:30 GMT -5
Lindsey noticed how he stayed slient and hoped that it was just because he was thinking and not because he didnt feel the same way. She held onto his hand, thinking a litte bit about things too. He wouldnt be there if he didnt love her atleast a little bit. She use to need the words to feel comfortable in their relationship.
He seemed worried, something was up. She pulled away so she was sitting up on her knees. "What is it, Julian?" She was worried too. What had he done? Was he only staying there because he felt guilty for past choices? It couldnt be that bad but what if it was? Her mind sorted through the various things that he could want to tell her, most of her ideas werent ones that she hoped for.
There were some things that she didnt want to hear. She knew that whatever he was about to say had to be bad. His timing was perfect. He had waited til she had done something worse to admit anything to her. Were her friends right? Or worse were her parents right about him this whole time?
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 29, 2009 14:29:52 GMT -5
He watched her sit up and look at him. He took a deep breath, looking at his fumbling hands. "I cheated." He said loudly. At least he wasn't trying to beat around the bush- at least he came right out and said it. He looked back up at her to see her reaction.
He knew that's not what she had wanted to hear- but he had to tell her. She never had to tell him about the baby- he felt obligated to tell her about what he'd done. Sure, he felt guilty, but not so much, now. She had messed up way more than he had- but if she would've never gotten pregnant- it wouldn't be worse. He'd be the bad person.
He watched her with pained eyes- his eye brows raised in concern, wondering what she was going to say next. She's probably cry- that's what he figured. But, he really didn't know. She wasn't normal to him anymore- he thought he knew her, but he was so wrong.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 29, 2009 14:37:25 GMT -5
Lindsey stood up and bite her lip, "How many times? It had to have been more then once. They were right about you. This is why you were being so sweet, so understanding? It wasnt because you cared, it was because you felt guilty!" She wasnt sure if she was allowed to get mad, get upset. She was over emotional, she always had been.
This wasnt what she had wanted. He wasnt trying to lie atleast, atleast he had told her. He didnt need to tell. Part of her wished that he hadnt, so then she could keep thinking that he would never cheat. That he was so perfect and now those thoughts of his perfection faded.
She saw him watch her, he looked concerned. She didnt want to cry, she didnt want to yell but at the same time, she wanted to. She wanted him to feel guilty, that was the childish part of her and the adult part of her knew that she shouldnt get on him for this.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 29, 2009 14:46:15 GMT -5
Julian saw her get up and start yelling- he knew this would happen, but he felt like she needed to know. Maybe it would take some of the guilt she felt off of her shoulders. He shrugged, "It was a few times.." He lied. It was a lot of times, actually. He listened to what all she said and he looked up at her- his brow furrowed, "That's not true- I do care about you!" He said, loudly back to her. There were reasons he cheated- not reasons that would excuse his actions, but there were still reasons.
He was surprised the first question wasn't 'With who?' That was his first question. That was his first thought. He watched her as she thought, knowing that her mind was changing about him.
The worst part about it- was that he didn't feel guilty. Was there something wrong with him? He felt bad for her- he felt bad that he hurt her, but he didn't feel guilty about what he'd done. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Lindsey." He said, trying to sound as sincere as possible.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 29, 2009 14:58:46 GMT -5
Lindsey crossed her arms as she hissed, "Who? No nevermind I dont want to know. Why? Why did you cheat? Was it some magical moment when your eyes met hers and then the next thing you knew your all in her bed? Or was it her? Did those girls force you to sleep with them? Did they force you to cheat?" She shouldnt be getting as mad as she was but she had never thought that he would cheat. Okay so that was a lie, she had thought that maybe he would cheat, that maybe he would realize that he didnt want to be in a relationship so he would run off. She just never really thought that he would. Her next words her quiet but they were icey, filled with regret and hate, "Everyone was right about you."
In her own mind, they were. She had stood up for him, her friends had warned her to keep a wall around her heart and she had got mad at them, she had put a wall around her heart to keep them out. Her parents say they dont think she should spend time with him, she rebeled. Her actions were always somehow motivated on her faith in him and now she realized that when you put all your faith in someone else, when they disappoint you, it hurts more.
He was sorry? Was he really? She was questioning his every word now, that was what sucked, now she didnt know when to believe him and when not to. "Your not sorry. No you arent sorry if you were sorry then you wouldnt have cheated more then once." She had only cheated once and she had felt bad and he had done it multiple times.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 29, 2009 15:12:29 GMT -5
He watched her as she freaked out, "I don't know why- you weren't there- It wasn't even like that-" He lied. It was like that, maybe for him. He wasn't in love with this other girl, but he did have feelings for her. No one forced me to cheat- and for the record, it was only one girl." He said. What he had just said probably made it worse. Cheating with different girls was one thing- cheating multiple times with one girl was something totally different.
"I kept coming back to you for a reason!" He said, loudly. He heard her icy voice and he got up from the bed. "Who was right about me?" He asked her- he knew people talked about him, but would she really believe them? "Who was right?" He asked again, "Jackson? Kaylee? Your parents? What do they know-" He yelled, but stopped, knowing this would get him no where.
He didn't know what else to say- he'd messed up, but so had she. She was pregnant! At least he didn't have any little Julian's running around everywhere- at least he cared that much.
Julian stared at her after she spoke, "Really, Lindsey? How would you know if I was sorry? You know- you don't even really know me- I can never open up to you." He said, rudely. This had something to do with why he'd cheated, but it still wasn't an excuse for anything.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 29, 2009 15:26:20 GMT -5
Lindsey shook her head as she moved away from him, not wanting to be anywhere near him when she yelled,"Who is the one girl? Did she make you feel all better? Did she give you what you need? Do you love her?" She was mad as she looked for something to throw.
His next words made her laugh, "Do you really expect me to believe that? You came back to her too! You cant say that because you came back to us both. You had to have cared as much about her as you claim to have cared about me if you came back to her too! And Kaylee warned me. Why did she never like you, Julian? Did you try and make the moves on her too? Nobody ever thought that you were right for me but I was stupid enough to defend you."
She grabbed a picture of the two of them from her nightstand and tossed it at him, "Keep it. Rip it, do whatever because we are never going to be like that again. Maybe that other girl will want to see that right before you to sleep together. Maybe being with someone who's in a relationship turns the slut on." She was jealous.
She rolled her eyes before hissing, "You can never open up to me? No its because you never want to. Thats a nice excuse. I hope that it made cheating so much easier on you. Yeah infact that makes it all better. Its all my fault, right? I should have been better and then maybe you would keep it in your pants, right?"
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 29, 2009 15:44:35 GMT -5
He stood where he was as she stepped away from him. He didn't answer any questions, but one. "It was Nicole." He said, watching her with his blank expression. Nicole Marie- his ex girlfriend. He honestly didn't know how it happened- but it did. And it happened again and again.
Julian stood as she yelled more and more. She was crushing him, but he never let her know- he stood as if the words didn't even touch him. He ignored most of them- "I would never fuck Kaylee." He muttered to her. And that was true- that's why he said it.
He barely caught the frame that held their picture in it. He listened to her and looked down at the picture- they looked so happy- so in love- What happened? Life. Life is what happened- shit happens. "Don't say that." He told her- he wouldn't believe that they couldn't be like that, again. He wouldn't believe that she could never forgive him.
"You never want to hear what I have to say!" He yelled back, defending himself. "I've tried, Lindsey- don't say I haven't- and when I get done- you start talking about some stupid shit- like what happened at school- about shit that has nothing to do with me!" He said. "And you know what- you're fucking pregnant. Do you know that?" He asked, obviously she knew that- he was kind've rubbing it in, "I promised to stay with you- And you're having someone else's baby." He stated, calmly. He did promise this- he promised to be her Ben. He just wanted to show her what he would do for her- in order to make things up to her.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 29, 2009 16:03:17 GMT -5
Lindsey shook her head as she yelled, "Nicole? You seem too attached to her. I should've known. You can go run away with her. Maybe she's the best for you and maybe she makes you aware of everything you do and say because I know that I dont." This was hurting her more then she was going to show. She took another step away, almost stepping into her bathroom when she did so. She wanted to be far from him and her room didnt give her the space she wanted. She wanted him close enough that he could hear her screams.
"You a liar. You would if you had the chance, you would. Dont lie now. Your not in love with me. If you cared about me then you wouldnt run back to her. You wouldnt try and play us both wait you werent playing her. Only me. This is all just a game for you." She hissed as she looked for something else to throw. She settled on soft objects that wouldnt hurt him physically but hopefully would hurt him emotionally. She tossed the hoodie that he let her borrow and hissed, "You said I could keep it as long as we were in love."
She rolled her eyes again, "I can say whatever I want. We are never going to be those two people anymore. Maybe someday, you'll replace that picture with one of you and Nicole. I hope your happy with that slut."
"I never want to hear what you say? Sure, sure just keep blaming me. I dont care, I dont care about you and Nicole. I dont need a Ben, and your not Ben because Ben never cheated on Amy. I know that I'm pregnant but atleast I can say that I cheated once and you know that you cant say the same." She yelled, his calmness was only making her madder, he shouldnt be calm. She kept looking around her room for more things that would hurt him emotionally, never even thinking that she could throw the bracelet that was on her wrist at him. He gave it to her and she had promised to wear it everyday because it ment that much to her. So far, she had kept that promise. She was always wearing it.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 29, 2009 16:18:55 GMT -5
He shook his head- telling her no to everything she was saying. He looked down at the picture again and tossed it on her bed. He didn't want that- it would just be a reminder of the words she said as she threw it at him. He looked back up to her- He looked like he was about to say something- but stopped. His face twisted with anger and hurt.
He rolled his eyes- listening to her say that he would fuck her sister. "No-" He began to say, but the hoodie was thrown at him. He let it hit him and drop to the floor. He picked it up and threw it on the bed, over the picture that he had tossed-
Julian didn't know what to say- He didn't know who to defend- he didn't even know if he should be defending himself at all. He knew he fucked up, but why was she taking this so hard? It's not like she didn't have an idea- but he still wanted to stay with her- if he wanted to be with Nicole- he would. Well, maybe not- She was the one who broke up with him, but that's not important- he wanted Lindsey. That's why he was here- that's why he had stayed.
He listened to her- "Don't call me that-" He said, referring to Ben. He watched her take off the bracelet he gave her and his brow furrowed. She threw it and it smacked him in the chest and fell to the floor. He stared straight at her- he looked furious. He walked quickly over to her and grabbed her arms- pulling her to him. He put one hand behind her head and one hand on the small of her back- kissing her. He didn't care if she didn't want it- he wanted her and he wanted her to know he wanted her- "Lindsey I said I was sorry- don't do this, please." He whispered to her- usually when he whispered like that to her- she would give in to whatever he wanted. He only hoped it would work this time.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 29, 2009 16:33:35 GMT -5
Lindsey watched as he put the objects on her bed, she watched him come closer to her and she wanted to give in, she wanted to stay in his arms. She wanted to but part of her wasn't ready to. She was stubborn. She didn't want to get hurt. She wasn't that strong of a person.She use to give in every time that he whispered like that no matter what he wanted, she would agree but not this time, this time she had to think about herself.She kissed his cheek quickly before sighing, she had more to say of course.
"I cant, you know that deep down you wouldn't have been with her for all this time if you didn't care at all. You know that I cant replace her. Maybe thats the reason we fight because as much as we care about each other, you always care more about Nicole. Maybe I was wrong, you do belong with her." She pulled away, knowing that she was either going to say what she had to say now or she was going to give in.She moved to her dresser and pulled on a denim skirt and a pink cami, figuring that when he left she could go and cause some chaos at Jackson's. She had only said that Julian couldn't harm Jackson,she never said that she couldn't.
She quickly sat down on her bed and continued, "This whole thing between us was fun and scary and new. You were the first guy who ever knew me better then I knew myself. But good things don't last forever and maybe thats why you cheated and I got pregnant. Something is always in the way. No matter how hard we try, we can never be the perfect couple." Thats what she had always wanted, a fairytale and it seemed like Julian couldn't give it to her. Her mind was made up, she was going to protect herself from getting hurt. She would keep the baby and move away, live with her grandparents in the country if that was what it took. She would do anything. She didn't want anymore heartbreak and if she didn't fall in love again then there was no chance that the person could cheat and break her already cracked heart.
She didn't want to break up deep down in her heart but she knew her words made it seem like she did, she wasn't following her heart and she wasn't planning on changing this anytime soon. She was finally thinking and when she thought, she let her mind take control instead of her heart. It was time that she started looking out for her heart. She picked up the framed picture and for a second, she got lost in the moment. Those tears came to her eyes and she tried to wipe them away so he didn't see. That was the last thing that she wanted, she had to make him think that she was strong, that she was firm on her choice, that she didn't care at all anymore. "Its time for me to grow up." She whispered.
She had heard that from other people, that it was time for her to grow up. Kaylee had told her that about a thousand times along with her parents, Jackson and anyone else who knew her. They all wanted her to grow up and act like an adult. She didn't want to but it was time that she did.
The next move that she had made was one that she figured needed to be made, she pulled a box out from under her bed and placed it on top of her unmade bed, it was the box where she had keep everything related to him that she didn't have a place for but still wanted close by, the things that she didn't want her parents to see that she still had. Old pictures of them from when they were young and naive, from back when they didn't know what their future held. The dress that she had worn to the first dance that they had ever gone to together, she had begged him to take her for months.
Everything that was his was also in that box, Cd's that she had borrowed and never gave back, she had it all in there when she added in the hoodie and the framed picture, she handed the box to Julian, deciding to be nice about this, "Here. Keep them, throw the things away. I know that most of that stuff is yours so sorry for keeping it all this long. Its time that you get your stuff back, I guess." This was a step in the wrong direction according to her heart and it showed in her tearfuled blue eyes. She blinked quickly before saying "I cant believe that you cheated on me with Nicole. I hope that you two are happy together. Really. thats all I want is for you to be happy." The words were hard to choke out, this wasn't what she wanted at all. She knew that she was taking this too hard, that she was going too far. But it was too late now.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 30, 2009 8:51:58 GMT -5
Julian realized she wasn't going to give in. He realized this when she pulled away from him, when he heard the sigh, and when she kissed him on the cheek. He knew she had more to say- he didn't want to hear it, but he prepared himself, anyways. He listened to her words and shook his head, "You think you're always right- but You Are Wrong." He said and the last part slowly. He watched her pull clothes out of the dresser, "Where are you going?" He questioned.
"That's the thing- Nothing is perfect! As much as you used to think you were, you weren't perfect. I don't need perfect- I just need you.. Come on, Lindsey-" He said, pleading with her. He didn't understand her obsession to have a perfect life. It was obviously not going to happen, now, she was kind've having a love child with Jackson. There's nothing perfect about that. "Why can't you even try?" He asked her.
He watched her as she held the photo. She began to get teary eyed and he didn't want to watch her anymore- he turned his head, looking at the dresser. The feeling that was inside him was twisting his insides, but his face was straight. He didn't know what to say or do- but he would do anything. He refused to beg her, but his heart was tempting him.
Noticing her pull something from under the bed- he watched her a she pulled a box out. He saw that it was everything related to him- he began to shake his head- knowing what was coming next. She was trying to give it all back.
She added the frame and the hoodie and walked toward him and he backed away from her, "I don't want that shit." He said, looking her straight in the eyes, seeing her pain, and knowing she saw his. He grabbed the box and set it on the floor quickly. "So- what? Do you want me to leave?" He asked her, his voice sounding on the edge of yelling, or breaking.
"If you want me to be happy you wouldn't be doing this-" He muttered to her. He reviewed what she had just said to him in his head. This was his last attempt to keep her- "Lindsey- I would marry you if you'd stay with me- I don't want to do this, I know I hurt you, but I'd never do this, again.. You're hurting me real bad." He said, quietly, watching her with almost fearful eyes. He'd just realized what he'd said after he said it- First of all- that was kind've a proposal in disguise, and second- he tried to tell her what was really going on inside him. He was trying really hard to just keep the only good thing he had in his life.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 30, 2009 11:01:35 GMT -5
Lindsey shook her head, "I know that I'm not always right, but I cant help thinking that maybe now, I am." Then she heard his question and whispered, "Jackson shouldnt get away with this, I was wrong. He should suffer. He should know." In her own mind, she was going to go over there and Jackson was going to start caring about his child and then she would have a reason to keep it and they could raise it like Amy and Ricky. Only she was losing Ben.
As much as she wanted to say that if he needed her then he wouldnt have gone off with the perfect Nicole but she kept her mouth shut and muttered, "Sure you." His next question actually made her think for a second, why couldnt she try? Because she was hurting, because she was having a baby with Jackson? No because she was scared that he was going to hurt her.
She looked at his face and he didnt look all that upset, she didnt want to comment but the words slipped out before she could stop them, "You sure look upset over this." She was just being catty because she was hurt.
Did she want him to leave? Was that what she really had wanted this whole time? In her mind, he left and she cried then got over it. Was that really going to be that easy. He looked more hurt by this now then she wanted him to. She didnt want to hurt him and now she couldnt stop.
His next words made her cover her face with her hands as her tears come faster and at first the only noise she made was a small whimper. She didnt know what to say. She wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered, "I'm sorry that I'm having Jackson's baby and that someday I know your going to get mad at me for stealing the blankets and I'm sorry that I'm obessed with being perfect. And mostly I'm sorry that I cant let you go because I love you." She wanted comfort but at the same time, she wanted to comfort him. She wasnt sure who needed the comforting.
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Post by Julian Tyler Durkes on Aug 30, 2009 11:39:37 GMT -5
"No- you're not." He said, just like always. She was on one side- he was on the other. Julian was confused by her words, "I thought he knew-" He started, "And I thought you said I couldn't do anything to him- why should you?" He asked. He didn't like double standards.
He shook his head, ignoring her comment. He stared at her with longing eyes- "Really- Why can't you just try? Try to forgive me- I can forgive you, I already know it." He admitted to her. Sure, he would act like he had a grudge, but he would get over with time. He would probably love her and Jackson's baby more than Jackson could ever. He knew this- he just had trouble admitting it to her.
He looked back at her, "You want me to break down?" He asked her, plainly. "I did that- halfway- And I felt weak." He told her. He hated crying. He hated anything that made him sad or guilty. He always thought that men that cry are weak- and he was feeling quite weak for crying before- even though it wasn't even an actualy cry- it was still considered crying to him.
He stared at her, waiting for an answer. He could tell she was thinking in her mind, but of what? "Do you want me to stay or leave?" He asked her, again. "I can't stay here and waste my time if I have no chance." He muttered, not wanting to force her to make a choice, but really needing an answer from her.
Julian watched as she broke down in front of him and covered her face. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around her, tightly, in return. He put his face into her neck as she spoke, "Is this a yes?" He whispered back to her, still in her neck. He couldn't see her face, only the tone in her voice- he didn't want to force her into anything, "I promise you- I swear to you- I'll do it right this time- just give me another chance.." He whispered more into her neck. He squeezed her tighter as he spoke.
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Post by Lindsey Anne-Marie McKay on Aug 30, 2009 11:56:18 GMT -5
Lindsey shook her head, "I want him to feel the pain. I want him to suffer for what he did. He cant get away with this and I should because he is the father of this baby."
"I have trouble trying because I'm scared that your going to hurt me again. I dont want that. And I keep thinking that your going to just leave and never come back." She admitted softly.
She didnt want him to break down, she never did. In her own mind, she always thought that it was okay for her to always break down because he never did. He evened out her mood swrings. He was strong enough for the both of them and now she needed to be strong.
"Please dont leave me. I know that I always say that I could be fine alone but I cant be alone." She whispered,she was scared of being alone. Her greatest fear was that she would be left alone.
He didnt push her away which was a good thing, "Thats a yes." She muttered softly, she heard his next words and whispered, "One more chance for the both of us. This time we have to do this right because we cant keep doing this. Its not good for either of us. I promise that you dont have to take care of me anymore, it must be a hassle to deal with me sometimes. I'll be stronger for you because you keep me from falling apart completely." She held onto him tightly before kissing his cheek and hiding her face on his shoulder. Her hands at his neck, rubbing gently.
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